too late.

*exhale*

well, its funny to see how several years can do with everything.

and its mixed feelings to knowing that we might not the same anymore as we were a couple of years ago or even ahead.

nothings stay.

satu satunya hal yang konstan ya perubahan.

but weirdly,

on my twenty-ninth, lately, i just recognize what i really want in my life, for what i wanna be and what i feel my passion is heading to.

maksudnya telat banget gaksi? dari dulu kemana aja?

where all the ideas have been all this time?

if only i recognized this since on my early high school era, maksudnya gua tau gitu arah gua kemana, apa bidang yg harus gua tekunin, apa step step yg perlu gua ambil and so on.

weirdly gua lost, idk if probably it was caused by my situation that all i was thinking is just being realistic. i mean for sure i was stand on my own feet way back then, gabisa ngarepin siapa2 buat support gua dengan mimpi mimpi gua or even sesimpel jalan sesuai passion gua. anjinglah gua aja belom tau mau jadi apa dulu.

idup bener kerja baik aja cukup.

as i told you.

realistis.

seberjalannya waktu, especially lately, gua bener bener baru tau kalo sebenernya passion gua kemana, apa yang gua pengen lakuin as my permanent career and what my hobbies really are.

and for sure i can do nothing except ranting like "anjeeeeenggg kenapa ga dari dulu diambil, fokusin, seriusinnnnn fakk"

jadinya setiap ngeliat orang orang yang udah settle on where theyre stand at now, especially on the field where i (just realized that) liked the most, nothing but iriiiiii.

like an unending "i should be there, standing there."

imagine for doing the things that you really love, semelelahkan apapun, at least your heart is full, and you can sleep with a smile.

pointless emang tulisan ini, gua cuma kesel aja.

and i dont think i can take this as a regret cause somehow yet again i was lost, i have no direction and i wasnt droven several years ago.

then idk who to blame, the universe?

i have no one way back then, what can i expect from my grandparents? i mean letting them raising me as it is i guess thats already more than enough. plus we dont have enough money that time.

and when i start to settle up on my own now, i think its too late to startover for everything regarding my interest.

ofc, another reason for me craving for time travel so bad.